When I talk to people that have recently relocated to Los Angeles, I often hear how hard it is to meet people and develop friendships. My response has always been, “It’s not the LA natives, it’s the transient population this city attracts.” Don’t judge LA by it’s cover, go native.
Having been an Angeleno all of my life, I’ve formed deep friendships and met some amazing people. However, I’ve had my share of narcissistic bizarre encounters. Sometimes, I’ve wondered if I’ve had a bullseye on my head for the opportunistic, dramatic, the unhinged. It’s not just me. I hear about other people’s friendships gone south of the border, blocked, and cut out forever like they never existed. I’m not saying there are not valid reasons for the dramatic endings, but it makes me wonder if we’re choosing our friends wisely.
I write a lot about friendships, how women create vulnerable and lasting relationships. I have them and they are very important to me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have bumps once in a while. As a young girl, I was painfully shy, it was quite hard for me to make friends and leave friendships when they weren’t the healthiest. As I grew older, more confident, and came into myself, I began to build many friendships. However, I still had a harder time leaving them when boundaries were being crossed. Some people behave like friendship is an all you can eat smorgasbord for them to feast on. I’ve been challenged in distinguishing the difference between meeting people who are quirky and outright bananas. Then, once revealed, wonder how I ever missed the signs. I have an innate ability to tap into instinct and for some reason, I’ve not listened to it. I know when things are off, or something doesn’t feel right. The gut that tells me certain individuals need constant attention, have unattainable demands, and overall soul suckers.
What about the other side of things that are off the grid, that take you off guard? Someone you have known for a while and had no idea they were judging you. I had no idea about the “failing to meet the friend expectations” part of the equation. I call it the “conditional” ultimatum. Failing to meet their criteria can lead to anger, resentment, and getting deleted from all major forms of communication. In navigating the friendship maze, I’ve also had to look at myself as a friend, what can I give, what are my limitations, and what are my boundaries. I’ve struggled with Mad Love/Bad Blood in friendships. It’s not just a Taylor Swift problem. In the end, it could be as simple as two people who just didn’t need to have a relationship anymore and isn’t anyone’s fault. I move on and wish them well.
I’ve also learned that close friendships need care, it can’t be just one sided and on my terms. It’s a two-way street like any relationship. Communication is key and if there is care involved, most bumps can be ironed out. It all depends on circumstances and who I want to have in my life. My 8-year-old daughter has many friends. She is gregarious, has her crew, and I help her navigate through disagreements and misunderstandings. My ultimate goal is to teach my daughter that she will have friends, some will come and some will go, be honest in her friendships, be honest in herself, listen to her gut, and the friends she will have long term will only add to her life. The choice is always hers.
I love this blog post. I had to break it off with a friend this year. It was worse than breaking up with a guy. We began our friendship navigating our way through sobriety and singledom. Yet, 6 years later, I found that I wanted to move on from our commiserating lifestyle. It was a conscience decision to choose to spend my time with friends who are trying to speak about and portray the “positives” of life; like you sweet Monica. You’re an amazing mom, professional and friend. Can’t wait to hang this weekend.
Agree with your post Monica. Also, I believe friends sometimes can come in seasons. And were only suppose to last a period of time. But if you’re fortunate to have a lifelong friend, that’s a blessing. But we learn from each friendship, just like a relationship. Great blog!
Wonderful piece of work and hits so close to home. Ending those unhealthy friendships, especially the long term ones, in a healthy manner is challenging…..to say the least. Thank you for always being a voice of reason and a guiding light for me.
I’m so grateful for the amazing friends who lift me up. I really enjoyed this.
Love it! I had a recent frenemy encounter that left me wishing can’t we all just get along!
Most excellent insight, Monica.
Well written Monica and totally felt and understood on this end. As you know I’ve had a few friendships end and for the most part as much as I miss the good times I am not regretful of having moved on. As Christina above said “There is a season for some friendships” but true and loving friendships are always “in season”
Your daughter is lucky to have such an insightful mother to guide her in the positive direction and to steer her clear of unhealthy relationships . I for one am happy to call you “one of the ones that stick” …I hope the same is felt by you of me .
xoxoxoxo
Very thoughtful and heartfelt post, Monica. I want to surround myself with friends who ask these questions and engage in real self-examination. Especially when it comes to friendships in LaLa Land. What can I honestly forgive? What can I live with? Have we simply grown in different directions? How can I be true to myself and still hang on to friendships that probably aren’t honest or healthy? Sometimes it’s impossible. None of this is easy but you’ve described the dilemma perfectly. Thanks for sharing!
Great post Mons. The only thing I’ve ever learned about friendship is that it lasts forever if it’s real. I’ve known you all of my life and I cannot imagine not continuing to discover how far we can take this crazy ride we started as kids. You’re a good egg Mons…